


All the Same

by heartofspells



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 03:57:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/605574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartofspells/pseuds/heartofspells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I don't mind; I don't care; as long as you're here.' Snapshots of Remus' and Sirius' lives together from their first year on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Same

1.

_ September 1, 1971 _

“Oi! So who are you, then?” a proper voice asked somewhat rudely.

Remus glanced up from his knees warily to meet a pair of silvery, grey eyes. His mouth worked silently for a few moments unable to form words. Apparently the boy attached to the odd eyes wasn’t one for patience.

“Are you going to answer or aren’t you?” he all but snapped, his lips twitching up into a small smirk.

“R-Remus,” he replied softly. “Remus Lupin.”

“Remus?” the boy asked, dropping down into the seat next to the smaller boy. He was shocked at how quickly the newcomer’s attitude changed from cruel and rude to haughty indifference. “That’s an odd name.”

There was a snort from the other side of the compartment and Remus looked across to see another boy seated beside the door. “Oh, yes, and ‘Sirius’ is as common as the stars, is it?” he asked sarcastically, shoving his glasses back up his nose.

The boy next to Remus provided his companion with a cheeky grin and countered, “As a matter of fact, it is.” He turned back to Remus and stuck his hand out. “Sirius Black, soon-to-be-Gryffindor. Pleasure, Remus Lupin.”

[ ](http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa427/HeartofSpells/1-Sep119671_zps5df8b5c3.jpg)

Remus gaped in astonishment at the ebony-haired boy before him. How could a person’s moods change as quick and as often as his did? As he tentatively accepted the boy’s hand gingerly in his own, Remus made a vow to avoid Sirius Black as much as it was humanly possible.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_I don’t mind where you come from_

_As long as you come to me_

_But I don’t like illusions I can’t see_

_Them clearly_

_I don’t care, no I wouldn't dare_

_To fix the twist in you_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.

_ November, 1972 _

“Come outside with me,” Sirius demanded, shoving a cloak into Remus’ hands.

“Why can’t James go with you?” he asked his friend, staring warily out the Common Room window at the frozen snow.

Sirius flapped his hand impatiently. “He’s spying on Evans. I swear that bloke isn’t worth a single Knut since he discovered his ‘delicate little flower’. Now, c’mon!” He pulled on Remus’ limp arm.

“Sirius,” Remus protested as the boy pulled him through the portrait hole, “its cold. I don’t want to go outside.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “That’s why I gave you your cloak, silly. Honestly!” He threw his hands in the air in exasperation. “Besides, it’s the first snow of our second year. Don’t you want to enjoy it?”

Remus grunted, but made no other form of reply. Sirius stopped in the middle of the corridor and turned to face him fully.

“Look,” he said encouragingly, “come play in the snow with me for a bit like an ickle kiddy and I promise I’ll make it worth your while later.”

Remus glanced out of one of the high windows and sighed before turning back to his friend, his resolve crumbling.

“There better be some form of chocolate involved,” he said.

Sirius beamed and propelled him down the staircase.

“Lots and lots of chocolate!” Remus shouted at him.

They arrived outside not a minute later and Sirius immediately dived headfirst into the snow covered ground. Remus stood a distance away, shivering with his arms crossed over his chest and his hands tucked beneath his armpits, warding them from the cold.

“C’mon, Remus!” Sirius called from the midst of his snow ocean.

“I’m fine, thanks,” he replied and Sirius sighed, dislodging himself from the icy water.

“You need to loosen up, Rem,” he told the werewolf benignly. “You always act as though you’re a forty year old man trapped in the body of a twelve year old. It’s not on, mate.”

“And how do you suggest I go about doing that?” Remus snapped a little harshly.

“You know, I’m not really sure,” Sirius replied, cocking his head to the side in consideration. He shrugged and turned away. “Oh well. A puzzle for another day. Just come and frolic.”

“Werewolves don’t frolic,” Remus grumbled to himself, soft enough so that Sirius couldn’t hear him.

“What was that?” his friend called.

“I said,” Remus shouted, “I don’t frolic! And you can’t make me.”

“If you say so,” Sirius replied back. “You’re the boss, O High and Mighty King Lupin.” He provided Remus with a low, graceful bow and a wide smirk, eyes twinkling in mirth.

Remus huffed in frustration, his breath misting in front of him in a white cloud. He stormed away in the direction of the lake’s shore, unaware of Sirius’ eyes following him across the grounds. He walked in silence, lost in his own thoughts. So distracted was he, that the sound of quickly approaching footsteps went unnoticed to his sensitive ears until it was too late to react.

“Yaaa!” Sirius cried half a second before his body collided with Remus’ back, tackling him face first to the ground.

“Mrgphng!” Remus complained, voice obscured by the snow covering his mouth.

Sirius rolled Remus over onto his back beneath him. “I’m sorry,” he said, cupping his hand round his ear, “I couldn’t quite make that out. I’m assuming that is because you are busy relocating your tongue, yes?”

“You utter and complete arse,” Remus snarled, spitting out a mouthful of water directly at Sirius’ face which he dodged easily. His grin increased in intensity.

“Oh, snarky,” the ebony-haired boy chirped in wicked delight. He grabbed a handful of snow and crushed it against the side of Remus’ head, cackling madly.

“Sirius!” Remus sputtered in disbelief. “What did I ever do to you?”

“Nothing,” Sirius replied pointedly, “and that’s precisely the problem. You, Remus Lupin, have no idea how to have any fun.”

A mischievous gleam entered Remus’ eyes as Sirius gazed down at him. He felt a slight pressure on his arm and looked down in time to see his friend’s wand twitching in his hand before five large snowballs splattered across various parts of his back. He yelped in surprise and dived away from Remus and his oncoming attack.

“Oi!” he cried, dodging a ball the size of his head.

“Whatever is the matter, Sirius?” Remus questioned innocently. “I thought you wanted me to have fun?”

“Not at my expense,” the other boy shouted desperately, flinging himself across a snow bank.

“Well,” Remus countered, twirling his wand between his fingers absentmindedly, “I don’t exactly see what the harm is.”

“All right, that’s it!” Sirius growled before taking a running leap at his friend. He missed as Remus sidestepped, but that didn’t deter Sirius as he quickly gained his feet and took off in pursuit of the werewolf. After a good five minutes of this, Sirius finally managed to tackle Remus once more, throwing him back into the snow.

They rolled and shoved one another, their laughter and cackles of delight filling the silent grounds around them. Far in the distance stood two figures, unnoticed by the boys rolling upon the ground.

“Should we help out a bit, do you think?” James asked Peter tentatively.

Peter sighed. “I would say no. Let them exhaust themselves and then we’ll attack when they’re least ready for us.” James smirked at his friend and patted him on the back, settling in to wait.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_You've shown me eventually what you'll do_

_I don’t mind_

_I don’t care_

_As long as you're here_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.

_ April, 1973 _

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Sirius asked softly, feeling his vocal chords ice over.

He, James and Peter had just come through the dormitory door in search of Remus, who was seated on his bed. Peter sat on the edge, as far away from Remus as it was possible to be on the mattress. James was propped against one of the four posts of the frame, simply staring at his friend. Sirius was across the room, leaning against the wall of the window, trying desperately to hide the hurt he could feel deep inside.

 _Remus lied,_ he thought, his chest clenching tightly. _Remus lied to us. Remus lied to…me._

It was difficult to accept, but they had all the proof they needed. All they were lacking was a confession from Remus himself. And he would lie, Sirius knew. Or he would try to.

“I’m not exactly sure what you three are on about,” he protested, eyes confused. Behind that confusion, though, Sirius saw the spark of panic and fear lighting to life. Remus was worried. Remus was terrified.

“Yes, you do,” James whispered, eyes staring at the floor. “We know where you go every month, Remus.”

“I – I don’t –“ the werewolf attempted once more, but Sirius cut him off in a fit of rage and betrayal.

“You do know!” he roared. “You know exactly what we’re talking about, so _stop lying_! We followed you; we saw you go into the Shrieking Shack and we saw what happened to you! We know you’re a bloody werewolf, Remus!”

All colour slowly drained from the small boy’s face as Sirius furiously spat out the information and he began to tremble. _No,_ Sirius thought desperately, _no, it wasn’t supposed to come out like that. Please don’t be frightened. I didn’t mean it, please!_

“I – I’m –“ Remus began, but tapered off as though unable to form words. Sirius watched him in despair and saw the tightening of muscles before the boy could actually move. Remus leaped towards the door in a bid for freedom and Sirius launched his body into the werewolf’s, hindering his escape.

“Remus, don’t,” he pleaded. “Please don’t run. We all need to talk about this.”

“Why are you touching me?” Remus nearly shrieked, trying desperately to shove the bigger boy’s arms off of him. “Why aren’t you running for you lives? Why aren’t you reporting me to the Ministry?”

Remus was shaking uncontrollably and Sirius wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all.

“Why would we do any of that?” Peter spoke for the first time since they had entered the room.

“Why _wouldn’t_ you?” Remus whispered, closing in upon himself. “I’m a werewolf; a horrible, despicable, loathsome dark creature. You should all be terrified of looking at me.”

“Is that how you want us to feel?” James murmured softly, toeing the floor, refusing to meet Remus’ eyes.

“I – it doesn’t matter what I want,” the werewolf stuttered out. “It’s just how it _is_. I can’t change it; I just have to accept it.”

James’ head jerked up suddenly and his eyes landed on Remus’. “Why?” he asked, barely containing the shouted whine that wanted to emerge. “Why do you _have_ to accept that, Remus? We’re your _friends_! Do you honestly expect us to toss you aside simply because of something you have absolutely no control over? If that’s what you’ve always been waiting for, you can’t have thought much of us at all.”

“Remus,” Sirius said into his friend’s ear, arms still circled round his small waist, “if you honestly think we’re letting you go that easily, you must be mad! You’re one of the only reasons why any of the other three of us are passing any of our classes and you have a wicked sense of humour that we would be ever so devastated to lose.” Sirius’ trademark grin appeared. “Plus, you’re a rather wonderful person to be around, Moony.”

Remus started in Sirius’ arms and turned wide eyes upon him. “What did you call me?” he asked quietly, dumbfounded with shock.

Sirius’ grin grew wider. “Moony,” he chirped happily to the snickers of James and Peter. “I like it, rather. Spur-of-the-moment sort of thought, but it suits, don’t you think?”

Remus released a breath of air before dropping to the floor as his knees gave out in relief. He began to laugh uproariously and did not stop until the other three had joined him on the floor, all four rolling and clutching stitches in their sides.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again_

_You'll just come back running_

_H_ _olding your scarred heart in hand_

_It's all the same_

_And I'll take you for who you are_

_If you take me for everything A_

_nd do it all over again_

_It's all the same_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4.

_ September 1, 1973 _

“Moony!” Sirius screeched directly before all of Remus’ air supply was cut off.

“Sirius…can’t – breathe,” he choked out, trying to shove Sirius’ arms away from his chest.

“I _missed_ you, though,” the dark haired boy whined. “You didn’t write nearly enough.”

“Sirius,” Remus gasped, unsuccessfully attempting to collect the breath he had lost, “I wrote you three times a week for the entire summer.”

“Well, it wasn’t enough,” he responded with a pout. He looked down at his shoes and scuffed his toe over the platform.

“All right,” Remus finally said, trying to hide the quirk at the corners of his mouth, “so that I’ll know in the future, what would you consider to be enough?”

Sirius raised his eyes and looked at Remus sheepishly from beneath his lashes. “Right now’s enough.”

*

_ February, 1974 _

“’Lo, Moony,” Sirius murmured sleepily.

Remus flexed his muscles and groaned as he quickly sank back down within the white sheets of his hospital bed. _Another rough moon_ , he thought to himself.

“Hurt badly?” Sirius asked softly, eyes worried.

Remus offered him a brief, forced smile. “I’m all right. It’s not so very bad, really.”

Sirius continued to stare at him, unconvinced. “Does your arm hurt?”

“I – not really,” the werewolf stuttered out after a confused moment.

Sirius shook his head and held out his hand. “Give it to me, you overgrown pup.” He didn’t give Remus a chance to question why as he slid his hand beneath the sheets and extracted the boy’s right arm.

“Sirius, what –“ Remus began, but the bigger boy cut him off with a sharp glance.

“Trust me, Rem,” he said with a small smile. His fingers slowly started working along Remus’ wrist and up the length of his arm to his shoulder, massaging the muscles loose. As Sirius reached the top of his arm and began to work back down again, Remus gradually relaxed back into the mattress.

“That – feels exceedingly good, Sirius,” he admitted. Sirius flashed him a grin.

“Told you to have faith.”

Remus hummed, but made no further reply as he was slowly lulled into a state of semi-consciousness. They said nothing for a long while, Remus dozing and relaxed as Sirius continued to work the muscles in his arm.

“Is it always this bad?” Sirius finally whispered.

“What?” Remus jerked, his body tensing again at his friend’s question.

Sirius motioned to the corner of a white bandage across Remus’ chest, peeking out from under the sheets. “Are you always this hurt?”

Remus struggled for words, wanting to deny it while also not wanting to lie to Sirius. He didn’t get a chance.

“I saw you,” Sirius continued, hands falling still on Remus’ arm and his hair falling into his eyes as he bowed his head. “I was hiding in here under the cloak when Madame Pomfrey brought you in this morning.” His hands clenched around the smaller boy’s arm, his nails digging into the flesh without thought. “There wasn’t a single part of your body that wasn’t covered in blood, Remus.”

“Sirius…” Remus tried, but he really did not know what to say.

“How do you deal with it, month after endless month?” His breathing was heavy and laboured as though he was about to explode. “All that pain – you just bottle it up and you’re always so calm and rational and you’re never angry and you tolerate the three of us with patience even Mother Teresa doesn’t possess and you –“

“Sirius,” Remus interjected gently, “you’re rambling.” Sirius’ mouth snapped shut as a light flush stained his cheeks.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t apologise,” Remus told him with a shake of his head. “I know you’re worried, Sirius, but really, I’m fine.” Sirius gazed at him with skeptical eyes, unbelieving. “I’m used to it, at any rate and there’s nothing can be done for it. It’s simply something I have to live with.”

Sirius leaned forward and rested his head on Remus’ shoulder. “It shouldn’t have to be like that. We’ll help you, Remus. Someway, somehow, we’ll help you.”

*

_ October, 1974 _

“Sirius,” Remus asked, “what are you doing out here?”

The dark haired boy rolled his eyes to the side, looking up at his friend from his position on the ground. He shrugged as best as he could.

“Just needed some fresh air.”

“Ah,” Remus replied. “Care if I join you?”

Sirius shook his head and Remus lay down in the space beside him, folding his arms behind his head.

“Do you ever look at the stars, Remus?” Sirius asked after a while.

“Never really have time to,” he replied, growing curious of Sirius’ dejected tone.

“That right there,” the older boy said, pointing a finger to a far off spot in the sky, “that’s Cassiopeia, did you know?” Of course Remus knew. He had taken Astronomy right along with Sirius for two years. “My great aunt is named after it. Horrible old bat, she is.

“Then, of course, there is the lovely Bellatrix sitting directly upon Orion’s shoulder.” Sirius snorted. “Which only suits, it seems. My father loves Bellatrix.”

Remus was beginning to notice a pattern to the murmuring Sirius was doing. He rolled onto his side and looked at his friend, grey eyes cast in shadow.

“What happened, Sirius?” he asked softly.

Sirius glanced away, staring in the direction of the forest as he nervously bit his lip. Finally, he sighed and turned his gaze back to Remus.

“That letter I got earlier,” he said tentatively, “it was from my mum.” He swallowed. “Apparently, she wanted to inform me that my fifteenth birthday was next week. She and my father think it is high time that I start settling down and searching for a proper pureblood. According to them, when I turn sixteen, I’ll begin ‘courting’ and as soon as I leave Hogwarts, we’ll marry. If I don’t choose someone acceptable, they’ll choose for me.”

Remus gaped at him in astonishment. “You – you’re just a child, Sirius. How can they possibly expect you to think about that sort of thing now?”

“I know, but I have to do it, Remus,” Sirius whispered.

“Why?” Remus breathed out forcefully. “Why do you _have_ to do it?” For some reason, it hurt him more than he was willing to admit.

“Because,” Sirius began before he stopped and cleared his throat. “Because they’ve already chosen the person they want me to marry.”

Remus didn’t want to ask simply because of the horror slowly etching its way onto Sirius’ face, but he had to. “Who?”

Sirius released a shuddering breath. “Bella…”

Remus’ whole body tensed when he heard the name. He wanted to shout, “But you’re cousins!” but he knew that wouldn’t help. Sirius was still staring at the stars with utter loathing and Remus could only think of one thing to do. He rolled back over onto his back and watched the stars as well while his hand moved to his friend’s.

“We’ll help you, Sirius,” Remus repeated, his hand gripping Sirius’ tightly. “Someway, somehow, we’ll help you.” Sirius provided the smallest of smiles to the night sky as his hand squeezed Remus’.

*

_ March 10, 1975 _

Sirius tried to be as quiet as possible as he slipped out of his bed and between the hangings. He padded across the stone floor silently, pausing briefly to listen to the sounds of the dorm around him. He heard Peter’s soft snores from the bed next to the door and James’ hushed mumblings from the bed across from Sirius’ own. He heard nothing from Remus’ bed as the werewolf was the quietest of them all, only the softest of hissed breaths emerging from between his lips. Sirius sighed and slipped soundlessly through the other curtains.

“Sirius,” Remus mumbled, his lips twitching.

“Bloody –“ Sirius exclaimed as he started violently. “Give a bloke some warning next time, would you?”

Remus snorted as his brown eyes sparkled wickedly. Sirius’ heart leapt up into his throat and he found himself unable to speak.

“The way I see it,” the werewolf countered, “you’re the one sneaking into my bed in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I believe I’m the one who deserves the warning, wouldn’t you agree?”

“No, you don’t,” Sirius snapped without any malice, “because you knew I was coming anyhow, apparently.”

“The point still stands,” Remus said, forcing a smile from his lips.

Sirius huffed in frustration. “Well, it’s not the middle of the night. It’s only midnight.”

“What _are_ you doing here, Sirius?”

“I – Well, I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday, Rem,” he murmured sheepishly, stumbling slightly over the words.

Remus looked taken aback. “My birthday isn’t that important, Sirius. You should have stayed in bed. You’ll need your rest for lessons tomorrow.”

“Of course it’s important,” Sirius exclaimed softly. “Fifteen years ago today our very own Remus John Lupin was brought into the world so that he might later be harassed and corrupted by three very handsome troublemakers.”

Remus snorted out a laugh before he could stop himself. “Has this always been my destiny, then? Been rooting round in the tea leaves again, Mr. Black?”

“Is there one you’d rather prefer?”

Remus sobered suddenly as he gazed across his mattress at Sirius. “No,” he said with a slight shake of his head, “no, I’m quite pleased with what I have.”

Sirius beamed and pulled a small, rectangular box from the folds of his pyjamas and offered it across the space to Remus. “Happy birthday, Moony!”

Remus stared at the package for a long moment, shock written all across his face.

“Well, aren’t you going to take it? You honestly can’t still be surprised after spending four birthdays with us.”

He accepted the box in Sirius’ hand gently and ran his fingers around the edges of the crinkling paper reverently. He glanced up at Sirius as he said, “It’ll always be a shock.” He sliced his nail across the Spellotape and slowly pulled the paper from the package. He removed the lid and found three large bars of his favourite type of Honeydukes chocolate.

“Wow,” Remus murmured. He looked up and saw his friend staring at him hopefully. “Sirius…”

“I know it’s not much,” Sirius interjected quickly, “but I do have you something else that’s a bit better, but, well, I thought I’d wait and give it to you when the other two gave you their gifts.”

Remus shook his head as Sirius maneuvered his body until he was leaning against Remus’ headboard, both boys shoulder to shoulder. “You shouldn’t have even got me this.”

“Do you like it?” the older boy asked. “It took me forever to decide what type to get you. You’ll eat anything that even remotely _smells_ of chocolate. You’d eat my foot if it smelled like a Chocolate Frog.”

Remus choked on a burst of laughter. “You know I do,” he answered, grinning.

“Good,” Sirius said with a nod.

Remus removed the wrapping from one of the bars and broke off a piece of the sweet. He pushed it into his mouth and savoured the taste as it slowly melted on his tongue. He broke off another piece and offered it to Sirius, who accepted gratefully and leaned his head against Remus’ shoulder as he ate it.

They finished the chocolate in silence and as the last piece was devoured, they drifted off to sleep against one another with chocolate on their breaths and stomachs full of sugary warmth.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Hours slide and days go by_

_Till you decide to come_

_But in-between it always seems too long_

_For certain_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5.

_ December, 1975 _

Remus shuffled through the dormitory door, leaning his weight against it as it clicked shut. His fingers worked unconsciously on the bandage hidden beneath his trouser leg on his thigh. It had been a rough moon, but that wasn’t anything new to him. What was more worrisome at the time was the fact that his three trouble-maker friends were nowhere to be found.

“’Lo,” he called through the room. “James? Pete? Anybody here?” He glanced towards the open door of the toilet and said questioningly, “Sirius?” Silence.

Remus sighed and gathered his strength to make his way to his bed. He’d taken three steps into the middle of the room when he heard a snuffling sound from under Sirius’ bed, followed by a light scratching. His eyes narrowed as he stared in the direction of the noise, straining his sensitive ears for anything else out of the ordinary. The scraping noise sounded again and Remus made his way to Sirius’ bed, leaning down to his knees slowly to gain better access to the underside of the mattress.

Suddenly, there was a loud snort and hot breath puffed across his face before he heard the strident scrabbling of claws across the hardwood and he was shoved backwards onto the floor by a giant black blur. He gasped in surprise and his mind clenched up tightly before thoughts began to spew out of it.

 _Merlin, that’s it, I’m dead,_ he thought desperately. _I’m dead; Sirius and his stupid obsession with creatures and beasts. I’m dead; Sirius has been spending time with Hagrid again and now he’s got himself a pet. I’m dead; Sirius’ new pet it going to eat me. I’m dead!_

Remus waited in panicked silence for a long moment, but nothing happened. There was a warm, heavy weight pressing down on his chest and stomach and the slightly unpleasant sensation of sticky slobber smeared across one half of his face, but there were no teeth and no sharp, digging claws. He cracked a wary eye open.

“What the –?” he began before cutting himself off and staring at the massive black dog sprawled across his body. “Er…hullo.”

The dog’s tongue lolled out in what could only be described as a grin somehow faintly reminiscent of Sirius. Remus’ eyes narrowed in suspicion once again as he opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by a loud banging sound coming from within the toilet. His head jerked around just in time to see an enormous rack of antlers maneuvering around the door frame. Remus gaped in astonishment.

His deeper human instincts shouted at him to, ‘ _Flee, flee now!’_ while his more primitive wolf instincts growled that he should stay and fight for his territory. Remus gritted his teeth against the second wave and pushed it backwards. It wasn’t as though he could do either, really. He was, after all, trapped between the wooden floor and a giant ball of fluff.

He was deciding whether he should risk his wand hand by trying to shove the monster of a dog off of himself when there was a faint squeak from behind his head. His breath caught in his throat as his eyes glanced towards the stag that had finally made its way through the door and was standing a few feet away. Remus slowly rolled his head backwards, neck straining, until he saw a faint shadow beneath James’ bed. A brown rat scurried out quickly and moved up by his ear, its nose twitching enthusiastically.

“All right, that’s enough!” Remus shoved the dog off him and picked himself up off the floor as quickly as he could, trying not to grit his teeth against the pain. He noticed the dog watching him almost…sympathetically. “Where did you three come from?” He stared between all three animals, almost as though they were going to answer his question. “Right. Well, this was a wonderful prank and I’ll have to remember to thank those three for putting so much effort out for me, but now you have to _go_.” He felt a growl rising in his chest.

Remus stared balefully at the dog, its eyes almost challenging. It seemed – for some reason Remus couldn’t fathom – that the other animals were taking their cues from him. The growl finally emerged, low and threatening, when the dog made no attempt to move. Remus began to walk to the door to shove them out and down into the common room, when he eyes drifted back to the dog’s.

 _They’re grey,_ he thought in amazement. _Dogs don’t have grey eyes, but humans do…Sirius does…_

“S – Sirius?” he stuttered out. The dog barked loudly and trotted around the room in a small circle, tail straight in the air and curled at the tip, shoulders pushed back, and head held high in pride. The dog – _Sirius_ , his mind corrected – then shook his head and pointed it towards the stag in the corner of the room.

The stag bowed its head in a graceful, regal manner and Remus studied it. Almost immediately, he noticed the faint, darker markings around its eyes.

“James?” he gasped out. The stag stomped its hooves across the floor gently in confirmation, its tail flicking a bit.

There was a loud squeaking from behind him and he turned to look down at the rat. Its brown body trembled with excitement as it began to run circles around Remus’ shoes. The loud squeals echoed through the room as Remus shook his head in astonishment.

“Peter?”

His eyes widened in utter disbelief when the rat leaped up and did a slight flip in midair before darting across the room and climbing up on top of Peter’s bed, where he quickly transformed. The other two followed his lead, Sirius and James appearing where the dog and stag had once stood.

Sirius looked at Remus in apprehension, so much energy coursing through his body it could almost be heard. “So,” he asked cautiously, “what d’you think, Moony?”

Remus promptly fainted.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_But I have the skill, yeah_

_I_ _have the will, to breathe you in while I can_

_However long you stay is all that I am_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6.

_ December 22, 1976 _

_Moony,_

_Happy earlyChristmas! Hope you’re doing well and all that. _

_Listen…Padfoot’s here. He’s left home; run away. I’m not exactly sure what happened, as he won’t tell me anything. He’s all right! For the most part, at least, so don’t worry._

_He’s a bit…well, I’m not exactly sure how to describe it. Something happened in that house and it’s knocked something wonky inside him. He’s not…right. He doesn’t act like Sirius, though I suppose that’s a bit understandable after what’s happened, but still. He’s just not right._

_He’s asking to see you, Remus. So, do you think you could possibly…Floo in for a bit? My parents are all right with it. They just want Sirius to talk about it with someone. They’re just as worried about him as I am…though don’t tell him I said that!_

_Prongs_

*

Remus stood outside the Potters’ household, gazing up at the second floor where a single light was shining through the guest room window. He kept watching for a shadow; for any form of life within the room, but he saw nothing. Remus had a suspicious feeling that he knew why.

He sighed and stepped up to the door, raising his hand and knocking softly. A short moment passed before the door was thrown open to reveal a worried looking James on the other side.

“Remus?” he asked in bemusement. “I thought you were Flooing. I’ve been waiting by the fireplace for the past hour.”

Remus shook his head, stepping inside and removing his winter cloak. “I think it’s been about seven years since Dad’s actually remembered to clean the chimney. Apparently, it finally collapsed the day before I came home, so now our Floo is out of service for a while. I had to take the Knight Bus.”

It showed just how truly worried James was that he only nodded. Any other time, his eyes would have lit up in excitement and he would have badgered Remus for any form of detail he could gain about the collapsed chimney.

“Explains why I couldn’t get through to you earlier,” he murmured. “You’re welcome to stay the night, then, if you like. I’ll get Mum to send an owl to your parents.”

Remus shrugged and followed James up the stairs. “Maybe,” he answered.

When they reached the landing, James turned left and walked down the hall to the third door before stopping and looking back at Remus. “I know he was asking to see you, but don’t be offended if he decides not to talk. He’s done a lot of that tonight.”

Remus stepped up to the door and said, “We’ll be fine, Prongs. Don’t worry.”

James nodded and turned back in the direction they had come from. Remus inhaled a deep breath before turning the knob and walking in to the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He gazed around the light-bathed bedroom, searching for Sirius, but saw no sign of him. He sighed and walked over to the bed, kneeling to the floor.

“Padfoot,” he called softly. A low whine emerged from beneath the bed. Remus leaned down and peered through the darkness, looking for any form of movement. “It’s me, Pads. C’mon and come out, all right.”

There was a shuffling sound and a long, pink tongue flicked out and licked Remus’ hand. His lips quirked upwards a bit as he moved his hand beneath the bed, feeling for the soft fur of an ear or snout. His skin encountered something course and his fingers wound gently through the thick hair.

“C’mon, you mutt,” he encouraged, fingers working behind the dog’s ear. There was a frustrated snort and a generous amount of black fur worked its way out from under the mattress.

Remus smiled and turned, leaning his back against the frame and looking at Padfoot as he sat on his haunches before him. His fingers were still tangled in the course fur.

“Well, aren’t you going to change back?” Remus asked.

Padfoot’s head bowed slightly and he emitted a mournful whine. Remus sighed and tugged gently at the fur. Padfoot moved closer to his side, leaning into the heat emerging from the werewolf’s body. They sat like that for some time before Padfoot sank low and sprawled his large body across Remus’ lap.

“You’re awfully big to be a lap-dog, Pads,” Remus snorted. The dog nuzzled his nose into the crook of Remus’ knee.

“You’re not going to tell me what happened, are you?” he asked softly.

Padfoot huffed in answer and turned to look up at Remus, grey eyes silently pleading.

“All right,” Remus sighed, thumb scratching over the dog’s skin.

He leaned his head against the side of the mattress. Eventually, he fell asleep.

Some hours later, James came in to check on them. Remus was leaning against the side of Sirius’ bed, his head thrown back and his eyes twitching in his sleep. Sirius lay across the werewolf’s lap in human form, Remus’ fingers threaded through the hair at the top of his neck and his lips curved up into a small smile.

James shook his head and back out slowly, flicking the light off as he went.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_I don’t mind, I don’t care_

_As long as you're here_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7.

_ May, 1977 _

_Two months,_ Remus thought to himself as he walked through the corridors alone. _It’s been two months and he still hasn’t tried to talk to me._

That wasn’t exactly true. Sirius had tried to talk to him. He had followed Remus all the way back from the Hospital Wing after Madam Pomfrey had released him three days after the full moon – _two days later than I’m normally released_ , Remus thought sourly – pleading and apologising. Remus had slammed the dormitory door in his face.

Sirius had slept in the common room for three weeks until James had dragged him back to the dormitory after Lily had cornered him, demanding to know what was going on. It was the only time James had ever refused an opportunity to talk to her. Sirius hadn’t tried to speak with Remus since.

He did catch the boy looking at him, though. He felt the eyes more than he saw them, but he knew. He felt them when they were in classes; when they were at meals. He felt them when he was studying in the dormitory or common room; even in the library at times, hidden behind the shelves. Sirius never approached him; never tried to explain.

And really, that’s all Remus wanted from him now. He wanted an explanation; he wanted to know _why_ Sirius had told Snape. After that, he could turn away from his once best friend and never bother looking back. It wouldn’t faze him at all. _It really wouldn’t._

Remus sighed in angry frustration as he pulled the Map out from his bag. He _was_ going to get what he wanted, regardless of whether Sirius liked it or not.

He gazed at the parchment, searching the small black dots for the one that was labeled _Sirius Black_. He wasn’t anywhere to be found, which only left one place he could possibly be: the Shrieking Shack. Remus pushed the Map back inside of his bag and quickly made his way out of the castle. The waning moon shone dully over the darkened grounds.

Remus was silent as he climbed through the trapdoor and crept up to the second floor bedroom where he somehow just _knew_ Sirius would be, though he had no idea why. Sure enough, a darkened figured stood by the window, eyes gazing desolately at a dried blood stain upon the wall. Remus threw his bag to the ground to announce his presence and Sirius started when he heard it.

“Remus?” he whispered brokenly, eyes widening slightly.

“Why did you do it?” Remus asked furiously, voice frozen with ice. “That’s all I want to know, Sirius. _Why_ did you do it?”

Sirius stared at him for a long moment, completely silent and looking more than a bit lost. Finally, he opened his mouth and a strangled, almost mad laugh emerged. Remus gazed at him in shock.

“Do you want to hear a story, Moony?” Sirius whispered, a manic gleam entering his eyes.

“I –“ Remus began, taking a step back.

“It’s quite good,” Sirius insisted. His eyes travelled back to the blood stain and he swallowed. “A bit dark. Maybe someone will make it into a book or a film someday.”

“Sirius…” Remus tried, unsure what the boy was talking about. _Had_ he gone mad? Was that the reason for this entire business? It terrified Remus.

“There once was a prince,” Sirius murmured, finger tracing lightly down the wall, “an heir to the throne. ‘Such a lovely little prince!’ everyone always cried. ‘A true snake in the making.’

“Yet, as he grew, he became a disappointment in the king and queen’s eyes. They ordered him to his chambers; demanded the servants to punish him as they requested. The prince cried every night, wondering what was wrong with him.

“When the prince was older, his schooling began and he met the most wonderful people who never judged him the way his family did. They cared about him as no one else ever had.” His fist knocked against the wall as Remus stood frozen on the opposite side of the room. “The happier he became, the more disappointed the royal family was.

“The years passed and suddenly, the prince was sixteen. He was home for the holiday, the king and queen wishing for him to stay with them and the younger prince. The prince hated his house, choosing to stay in his chambers for the entirety of the day, only venturing out at night to wander.” Sirius’ hand stilled momentarily.

“One night, the prince overheard a conversation between his parents that he was not meant to hear. They were planning a ceremony; a wedding. It was to be between him and the horrible Lady Bellatrix.” Sirius’ hand hooked into a claw and his nails raked through the dried blood, leaving behind four smooth tracks in the rusty red. Remus was speechless. “Apparently it was to be a surprise to the prince; the king and queen hoped that by surprising him with the union, he would not be able to do anything about it. It was to take place the following summer.

“Hearing the news, the prince flew into a fit of rage. He screamed at the king and queen and they shouted back. Orders were made and threats were raised concerning the prince’s behaviour and discipline. The prince, however, flatly refused to follow their instructions and he announced the most foolish thing he could have possibly chosen to say. He was already in love.”

Sirius clenched his eyes closed, his entire body turning into one tense ball of tightly bound muscles. “What he didn’t realise when he stated the lie, was that it was not a lie at all. The prince was indeed in love and he wondered at how he had never known.

“When the prince rebuffed the king’s and queen’s advances to figure out who their heir was in love with, they tortured him, using all manner of things to gain his inner most thoughts. When they finally saw, they were disgusted and banished him from the realm.” Sirius’ chest was heaving forcefully as he told his tale. Remus wanted to say something; wanted to beg him to stop talking, but his mouth was dry and he couldn’t move any closer to the boy.

“Shortly after the prince returned for his schooling, an evil peasant approached him. He had heard tell from the younger prince of the happenings of the Royals over the holiday. He threatened to tell everyone, including the prince’s young love. The prince felt a ripple of panic and terror in his stomach and could think of only one thing to do that would put end to the peasant’s threats. The prince sent the peasant to his precious beast as sacrifice.”

Sirius finally turned to Remus and he was shocked to see tears in the dark-haired boy’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Remus,” he said in a choked whisper. “I never meant to hurt you, but I _couldn’t_ let him say anything. I was so worried and lost, thinking about what had already happened, that I didn’t stop to consider what _would_.”

“Sirius…” Remus murmured before he was moving across the room and gathering the boy into his arms. Sirius buried his face in Remus’ collarbone and his fingers dug into the werewolf’s back. “I’m sorry, too. I promised you that we’d help you, but we – I didn’t. I didn’t do anything to help you.”

Sirius released a watery chuckle as he pulled back, away from Remus’ embrace. “You daft sod, you did everything. You saved me, Remus.” His eyes bored into Remus’ with an intensity that could never be rivaled.

“Sirius,” Remus began shakily, “who are you in love with?”

The remainder of the smile slid from Sirius’ face and he swallowed. “You,” he whispered, his gaze never moving from Remus’.

[ ](http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa427/HeartofSpells/2-May1977_zpscc828f07.jpg)

Something dropped down into Remus’ stomach and he felt as though he had been kicked. Every bit of air his lungs contained escaped from his mouth in a load gasp and Sirius winced.

“Please,” he begged fearfully, “please, Moony, don’t hate me.”

Remus stared and gaped at him, shaking his head. “I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate you, Sirius,” he replied softly before he reached forward, grabbing Sirius around the back of his head, and kissed him.

Sirius fell back against the window, hands stretching out to grasp at the frame to keep his body balanced and from falling through it. Then his fingers were in Remus’ hair, running along Remus’ jaw, sliding up under his shirt and over his stomach and chest.

They broke for air and Sirius’ mouth moved down his neck, suckling the tender flesh at the base. Remus moaned as heat filled his body and he bit into Sirius’ shoulder, causing the other boy to yelp slightly. Their hands were everywhere, pulling and stripping various items of clothing, tossing them to all corners of the room.

Their bodies pressed against one another and their mouths met again and Remus took a moment to simply savour the taste of Sirius. His lips tasted of dust and the salt from too many tears that Remus had never seen. Beyond that, he tasted of _Hogwarts_ , which contained too many different flavours for Remus to even begin to identify. There was the faintness of some far off creamy-cocoa- _something_ , and Remus hurriedly searched it out and lapped it up like a dying man. It was pure and it was real and it was completely and utterly _Sirius_.

Right then and right there, Remus felt himself fall.

Sirius was waiting to catch him. Sirius had always been waiting.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again_

_You'll just come back running_

_Holding your scarred heart in hand_

_It's all the same_

_And I'll take you for who you are_

_If you take me for everything_

_And do it all over again_

_It's always the same_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8.

_ June, 1978 _

Sirius spied Remus standing just outside the doors to the Entrance Hall. He silently slipped up behind him and wrapped his arms around the man’s waist from behind. Remus leaned back against Sirius’ chest and sighed in contentment.

[ ](http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa427/HeartofSpells/3-June1978_zps00b1d689.jpg)

“What are you doing?” Sirius whispered in his lover’s ear.

Remus shrugged. “Just taking one more look around.”

Sirius hummed, the vibrations in his chest making Remus twitch in amusement. “Can you believe this is it?” he asked softly, a hint of disbelief entering his voice. “We’re _leaving_ and we’re not coming back.” Both men’s eyes watched as James and Lily walked towards the forest hand in hand. Sirius smiled.

“I know,” Remus agreed, turning his head to look back at Sirius. “It doesn’t seem very real, does it?”

“’S too soon,” Sirius murmured sadly. He watched as Remus turned back to stare out around the grounds and sighed again. An idea occurred to him and he poked the other man in the side gently. “Hey? Fancy taking one last walk?”

A slow smile spread over Remus’ face and he nodded, taking Sirius’ hand in his as he walked down the front steps of the castle. They made their slow way down to the lake, gazing at everything they passed and reliving long forgotten memories. As they passed the place where they had laid together beneath the stars what felt like too many years ago, Sirius’ hand squeezed Remus’ tightly in fondness. Wistful smiles flittered over their features.

“It’s all changing too quickly,” Remus said after a long while of silence.

They stopped and stared out over the sparkling lake. Sirius brought Remus’ hand up to his lips, placing a gentle kiss upon the back before dropping it and wrapping his arm around his waist.

“It can change for the better, you know,” Sirius spoke up after a moment.

Remus sighed. “I know it can, and I know it probably will, but that doesn’t mean I won’t miss what was.”

“I don’t think you do,” Sirius told him, gazing at him seriously. At Remus’ baffled look, he clarified quickly, “I don’t think you understand what I mean.”

Remus continued to look bemused. “What do you mean?” he asked tentatively.

Sirius’ other hand wrapped around Remus’ jaw as he leaned in to kiss the other man. When he pulled back, his eyes were still serious, but he could feel them dancing.

“Come live with me,” he murmured against Remus’ lips. “Come be with me.”

*

_ July, 1978 _

Sirius stared around the flat in baffled shock. He blinked a few times, hoping that he was imagining things, but his hopes were diminished when he opened his eyes and saw the exact same thing. He shook his head in complete disbelief.

Remus sat in the middle of the living room floor, only his head of honeyed hair visible between the cracks of the city of towering skyscrapers he had managed to build out of all his boxes.

“ _How_ ,” Sirius began in astonishment as Remus craned his neck to see over the tops of the cardboard, “do you possibly have this much _junk_?”

Remus pouted. “It’s not junk,” he answered.

“Are they books?” Sirius asked dubiously.

“Most of them,” Remus replied lightly.

“It’s junk,” Sirius repeated.

Remus glared at him. The effect was slightly ruined, however, by the fact that he looked more or less like some sort of convoluted bird. Sirius waggled his eyebrows and Remus shook his head.

“Help me out?” he asked as he stood, gazing around at the mess he was trapped in.

Sirius walked over to the stacks, a mischievous grin on his face. Remus eyed him warily.

“Oh, no, Mr. Lupin,” he said, his eyes glinting, “I think you’re perfectly fine right where you are.”

“Sirius,” Remus warned, “I am not fine. I want out of here so that I can start unpacking these from the outside in.”

“Actually,” Sirius said after a moment of mock thoughtfulness, “you’re right, Remus. You’re not fine; you need company.” He then proceeded to haul his body over the cardboard towers and lower Remus and himself to the floor. He pulled his wand out, levitating more boxes from the outskirts over their heads, creating a makeshift roof and shrouding them in almost complete darkness.

“You do realise that if those fall,” Remus stated logically, “that they are filled with thick volumes and they will hurt like bloody hell, yeah?”

Sirius shrugged a shoulder disinterestedly. “They won’t fall,” he assured, his teeth flashing white in the dark.

Remus sighed. “What exactly do you expect to do in here?”

Sirius’ grin broadened as he moved closer to the werewolf, capturing his lips in a kiss.

Ten minutes later, there was moan from within the cardboard enclosure, followed by loud yelps of pain as three tremendously heavy boxes came crashing down upon the occupants’ heads.

“Sirius, you stupid, bloody, idiotic, completely brainless mutt!”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Wrong or Right_

_Black or White_

_If I close my eyes_

_It’s all the same_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9.

_ September, 1981 _

The war was raging and they were losing. They were losing everything.

Those who fought against it had nowhere to turn for comfort and safety; nowhere to turn for solace. There was a traitor in the Order. James and Lily were preparing to take their son into hiding.

Remus avoided Sirius in an act to achieve space; in an attempt to just _think_.

Sirius avoided Remus because he simply didn’t give a bloody damn. Or, at least, that’s what he told himself every time he returned home from work or another mission and Remus wasn’t there. Again.

They went about their lives as best they could; both functioning on a subconscious, robotic level. They ate, they slept, and they fought. They lied and told themselves that they didn’t dream; they lied and told themselves that they didn’t reach across the bed to the empty space beside them in the dead of night.

They fell and this time, there was nothing waiting to catch them except black emptiness.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_In my life_

_The compromise_

_I'll close my eyes_

_It’s all the same_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10.

_ October 29, 1981 _

For the first time in months, Sirius was there when Remus came home. The man stopped short when he walked through the door to see Sirius leaning against the mantle of the fireplace, gazing at him with emotionless eyes. Sirius felt like smiling when he saw Remus tense as he closed the door, but he didn’t.

“Nice to see you’ve decided to come around again,” he said sarcastically.

Remus stared at him coldly. “I suppose I could say the same to you,” he countered.

Sirius ignored him. “So where were you this time?” he asked snidely.

“I can’t tell you. Where were you?” he shot back.

“Can’t tell you either,” he replied casually, blood beginning to boil. “Orders and all, you know?”

Remus hummed as he crossed his arms over his chest. He studied Sirius for a moment, his eyes lingering on his left forearm longer than necessary. Sirius paid him no mind.

Remus’ mouth drew back into a tight line. “James and Lily are going into hiding tomorrow,” he ventured.

Sirius’ eyes narrowed and he took a step forward. “How do _you_ know that?” he snapped.

“They _told_ me, you stupid mutt,” Remus replied, eyes flashing with something feral. “Lily wanted to say goodbye.”

Sirius took a few more steps forward, standing an arm’s length away from Remus. “ _You_ shouldn’t know that,” he snarled. “No one should.”

“Including you?” Remus snapped back.

Sirius leaped forward, shoving Remus back against the wall. “Don’t you _dare_ ,” he growled.

“Or what?” Remus bit out. “You’ll push me into a wall? Hit me? Try to kill me maybe?” Remus reached up and forced Sirius around and into the wall, his strength cracking the plaster and causing Sirius to hiss in pain. “Well guess what, Sirius? I’m not your fucking _toy_ that you can play with until you get bored. I never have been.” He pushed again and the wall caved in a bit behind Sirius’ back. “I’m not Snape; I know you better than he did and I know what you’re capable of doing.” Sirius’ eyes drifted to Remus’ side where a large, long scar spread across his ribs, one of the many remainders left from _that_ night. Remus smiled bloodlessly. “I have the scars to prove it.”

“If I’m such a horrible person then why are you still even here?” Sirius snarled.

Remus’ eyes iced over. “I don’t know,” he whispered harshly. “Honestly, I don’t even know why I was here to begin with.”

“So _leave_!” Sirius roared in his face.

Remus pulled back and his eyes travelled over Sirius’ body one last time, lingering again on his left arm. Sirius saw his hand lift up slowly as though we was going to grab it, but he suddenly dropped it and turned away, walking out of the flat, slamming the door behind him.

Sirius stood panting against the cracked and broken wall, trying to convince himself that his heart did not feel the same way.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Go ahead say it!_

_You're leaving_

_You'll just come back running_

_Holding your scarred heart in hand_

_It's all the same_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11.

_ June 6, 1994 _

He was running; running as fast as he possibly could. The house swayed and creaked around him, rocking with the force of the wind. He heard a shout from above and he sped up, pounding up the stairs.

**“WE’RE UP HERE! WE’RE UP HERE – SIRIUS BLACK – _QUICK!”_**

Remus reached the landing and blasted the door open with his wand. He stopped and took in the surrounding area. Ron was laying upon the dust covered floor, leaning against the dirty wall, his leg injured and looking quite painful. Hermione was crouched next to the door, face smudged and pale, eyes wide in her face. Harry – Merlin – Harry was standing over Sirius with his wand pointed at his heart, his eyes blazing with fire.

And Sirius…Sirius was gazing at him like a man lost at sea. His body was thin beneath the tattered and grimy robes, his hair matted and tangled, and so long it held no resemblance to the gorgeous strands it used to be. His eyes, though sunken and hollow, were the same grey abysses that they had always been. And there was an…orange cat on his chest, hissing like mad.

 **“Where is he, Sirius?”** he heard himself asking.

Sirius slowly pointed across the room, but Remus found that he didn’t want to take his eyes off the other man. When he glanced away, though, and saw the rat struggling in Ron’s hands, his eyes snapped back to Sirius in shock.

He heard himself mumbling as he thought back to the months before James’ and Lily’s deaths, and it all fell into place. Sirius nodded slowly, his grey eyes never leaving Remus’ brown, and Remus’ heart unfroze.

He lowered his wand and reached down, pulling Sirius to his feet. He threw his arms around the man and hugged him like he had never thought he would be able to – would never _want_ to – ever again. Remus heard a soft sob, but he was hard pressed to say whether it was his or Sirius’. Then, though, maybe it was both. It honestly didn’t matter. It was all the same.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_And I'll take you for who you are now_

_If you take me for everything_

_Do it all over again_

_It's all the same_

**Author's Note:**

> The song used is 'All the Same' by Sick Puppies. Art created by the wonderful [the_realduck](http://the-realduck.livejournal.com/).


End file.
